'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house No food was a-stirrin' Not even a mouse Stockings were hung round Dad's neck like a tie Along with a note that said "Presents or die" Children were plotting All night in their beds While the wife's constant whining Was splitting his head But daddy had money This year in the bank Then they closed up early And now dad's in a tank All of a sudden Santa appeared A sneer on his face Booze in his beard "Santa," I said As he laughed merrily "You do so much for others Do something for me" "Bundy," he said "You only sell shoes Your son is a sneak thief Your daughter's a floose" "Ho ho," Santa said "Should I mention your wife? Her hair's like an A-bomb Her nails like a knife" He climbs up the chimney That fat piece of dung He mooned me two times He stuck out his tongue I heard him exclaim As he broke wind with glee "You're married with children You'll never be free"