Cheech and Chong
Santa Claus and His Old Lady
Cheech: (Playing piano) Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vecto wit da
    bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and he's
    going to...No, no, that ain't it...Mamamasita, donde esta Santa 
    Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's...Nah. Hey, man, come
    over here, man. I need some help, man.
Chong:  Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man?
Cheech: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not 
    comin' out...
Chong:  About WHO, man?
Cheech: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man?
Chong:  Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man.
Cheech: WHAT?
Chong:  Yeah, last year at the Fillmore, man.  Me and the base player sat in, man.
Cheech: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No, it's not a
    group, man.
Chong:  Wha? They break up, man?
Cheech: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a...a red suit, man, on with 
    black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man.
Chong:  Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with that dude, 
    too, man. He's a good singer, man.
Cheech: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man.
Chong:  Well, then he's with Buddha, man.
Cheech: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!
Chong:  Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man. I
    don't know to many local dudes.
Cheech: Oh...I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you da
    story about Santa Claus, man. Listen...
    Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude
    and has name was Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the 
    projects with his old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together
    because his old lady was really fine, and she could cook and all that
    stuff like that, y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man!
    Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em, man...
Chong:  Wow, did you know these people, man?
Cheech: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me, y'know...until they
    got kicked out, man.
Chong:  Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man?
Cheech: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all these midgets,
    y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know, like pounding and 
    hammering and pounding all night, man...
Chong:  Typical freaks, huh?
Cheech: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of fact, they 
    all moved up north together, y'know.
Chong:  Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?
Cheech: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune, y'know. It
    was called the...uh...Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune...it was a
    real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit around and groove
    all the time, y'know. 
Chong:  Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah, a really good time there, man.
Chong:  That sounds heavy, man.
Cheech: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and what 
    they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know? And
    they had everything they needed...they only needed to come into town 
    maybe once year or something like that...
Chong:  To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right.
Cheech: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when they
    made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big chopping bag
    and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the 
    boys and girls all da way around da world, man!
Chong:  Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much class, man...
    they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way they used ta 
    deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta have this 
    really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground, had twice-
    pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Ooh, clean!
Chong:  Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man.
Cheech: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile...it was a sled, y'know. One of those big
    sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers, y'know,
    like, reindeers?
Chong:  Some WHAT, man?
Cheech: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled, and then he  
    used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and then call
    out their names, like, On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On, Tavo!
    C'mon, Becto! And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky and
    fly across da sky, man!
Chong:  Wow, man!  That's far out, man!
Cheech: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come down to
    place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those places,
    y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and then 'ol Santa Claus 
    would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy, and he'd come
    down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff that he made, man. 
    And...dig this, man...he did it all in one night, man!
Chong:  Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man?
Cheech: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man?
Chong:  No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? Like, how'd he
    make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the reindeer
    off the ground, man?
Cheech: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
Chong:  Some magic dust?
Cheech: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da reindeer, a
    little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a little
    bit more...
Chong:  And this would get the reindeer off, man?
Cheech: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all da way 
    around da world, man!
Chong:  Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this dude, man?
Cheech: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too dangerous, man.
Chong:  Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!
Cheech: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years ago, man, he
    got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another room 
    and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag of
    goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying through
    the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer, y'know.
Chong:  Aw, that's a drag, man.
Cheech: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south, man, and 
    they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the time, he
    was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID, man...just 
    everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man.
Chong:  No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man.
Cheech: Aw, repression...recession...it's all da same thing, man.
Chong:  Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude like
    that right now.
Cheech: Oh, he still comes around, man.
Chong:  Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...
Chong:  Aw, he went underground, man.
Cheech: Yeah, underground, man.
Chong:  I can dig it.
Cheech: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise...nobody would ever know it was
    him, man.
Chong:  Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store, ringing this bell
    and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know?
Chong:  AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN!
Cheech: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man!
Chong:  Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man!
Cheech: WHA?!?!?
Chong:  Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of bread, man!
Cheech: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man!
Chong:  I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man!
Cheech: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man.
Chong:  No, but I played with THIS dude, man.
Cheech: Are you sure, man?
Chong:  Positive!
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